Even though I always say pain is what makes you alive, this aching head I just got from forcing out the brisk, controlled footsteps in a single line towards the other side, gaze straight ahead, certainly does not feel good. To be even more honest and grotesque and with my oddest choice of words, my head feels like a squashed little pea-sized fruit.

Sometimes all I want is to simply fall into my nest of crumpled sheets and strewn pieces at the very last moments of the day before i fall asleep in my most worn down face, and still be accepted for all that i am. I struggle to so often to feel accepted, and maybe I don't know what worth means. I don't know how much I'm worth and how much others mean to me. At times like this where I lock myself up in my room (in the most silent corridor I've ever seen), I wonder if I deliberately do this in hopes that anyone would come up all the way and prove me wrong. But then again, who am I to speak when I haven't shown enough love towards the ones I care about?

A few days ago, some reminded me of how cold I am to simply cut people off. I've always explained it this way: we were not close in the first place, even though we seemed to be on the surface. I admit that I'm not strong enough to just be a listening ear, I need friendships where there is true, two-way communication. I don't want to be the one taking more than I'm giving either. That is why I cut the two of them off. Then I realised I've never thought of how much I meant to them, only how much they meant to me. I rarely think of how I could be important to someone - that could mean two things: I am self centered, or that I do not have much conception of how much I'm worth. It could be both. And I should give it a closure after the exams, both situations.